Meet the Desais.

Meet the Desais!

We are excited to introduce to you Xander and Amy Desai. Xander and Amy are beloved and devoted leaders in our Evergreen community. They have been Missional Community leaders in the Ypsilanti MC. They are currently launching a new MC in their neighborhood in Brighton (alongside the Kozmas). We love and appreciate the Desais and are excited to see the ways God will use them in this season and in our community. Today they are sharing a bit about their marriage with us in connection with this month’s discussion on spirit-filled relationships.

How and when did you meet each other?

We first met in 2012, our freshman year of college, because we both attended the same church. But we didn’t actually get to know each other until a spring break trip in 2015. We started dating later that year.

How long did you date for?

We were together for almost 3 years (including engagement) before getting married. For one of those years, I (Amy) was living in Bolivia and Xander was back in Michigan.

What personal qualities did you begin to notice in Xander? In Amy?

Xander: I noticed Amy’s sense of adventure, her humor, and her kindness.

Amy: I also noticed Xander’s sense of adventure and his joyfulness. I remember always hearing laughter from whatever side of the room he was on and wanting to join in.

What were some of your beliefs or expectations about marriage beforehand?

Xander: I expected that it would be easier to manage my time well because living together meant we would have more time together than we had when we were dating. Also, when I was younger I thought that a marriage was mostly about the kids that you raised from it, rather than the marriage having its own identity and significance.

Amy: I remember as a kid thinking that a good marriage never had any disagreements. The only thing I ever saw my parents disagree over was what color some new curtains should be and I thought that was a BIG deal. Over time, I came to believe that withholding my own opinions in order to avoid conflict was a healthy or helpful thing to do.

Look back on some of the expectations you had before your marriage. How have they changed now? What do you believe now about marriage?

Xander: I’ve realized how precious my time with Amy has become. Even though we might be spending more hours of the day in the same place than we did when we were dating, those hours are less impactful if not spent intentionally. I learned that I really needed to continue to pursue Amy. Marriage was not the end goal for our relationship, but rather the beginning.

Amy: It turns out, Xander can’t read my mind, and it’s impossible for us to progress or grow closer if we don’t talk openly. I’ve learned that a good marriage is a safe place for both of our voices to be heard, and that it’s possible to disagree in loving ways.  

How would you define/describe marriage?

We would define marriage as a commitment and a promise made before God to love and serve someone not only as they are in the exact moment that you say your vows, but also to love and serve the future person that God is forming them to be. The element of looking beyond any particular moment, but instead looking at your whole relationship on God’s scale fortifies a marriage in the midst of trials.  

When did you know for sure that you wanted to marry? How long have you been married?

We’ve been married for two and a half years. I (Amy) knew I wanted to marry Xander about 5 months into our relationship, but that was complicated by my upcoming year in Bolivia. I knew there was a chance that I would be called to full-time ministry there, and that would have likely meant we couldn’t be together.

I (Xander) knew I wanted to marry Amy around the same time. Yet, when she left for Bolivia, I didn’t know if things would continue to work out. When I went to visit her three months later for Christmas, I was convinced the Lord had a plan for our future together and that I should ask her to marry me when she came home.

What is something about marriage that you know now and wish you knew prior to marriage?

Xander: Being a husband or a wife is a very important part of your identity, but it is not your whole identity. It’s important to continue to grow yourself and to not completely sacrifice your hobbies or the things that make you who you are as an individual. It’s important to continue to put effort into your relationships with your family and friends too.

Amy: I wish I had known how quickly habits can be formed (or lost) and how easy it can be to find ourselves in a routine without much intentionality. I already knew that was a fact that applied to most other areas of life, but was still surprised to find that marriage required so much attention to keep it on the trajectory that we began with.

What are some ways you have seen God work in your marriage? What is God teaching you about marriage?

Being a part of discipleship bands has been a big way the church has supported our marriage. We enjoy having the space to share victories and struggles in our marriage and to receive encouragement and feedback. It reminds us that there are others walking alongside us.

That support has become extremely helpful for us as the Lord has really been working and growing us to be teamed up as leaders together. We are getting ready to start hosting a missional community out of our home in Brighton. We’ve seen the Lord specifically work by aligning and giving us a shared vision for that community. He is also helping us combine our strengths and talents together in a unique way to help us build relationships and practice hospitality.

What kind of support system do you have for your marriage (family, friends, etc.)?

We both had really great examples from our parents on what a God centered marriage should look like. That support from our families is something we both still rely on today.

Over the years, we also have built a strong network of other married couples that are around our age and marriage experience. It has been really helpful for us to have that companionship as we all continue to grow in our marriages and relationships.

Although it may not be an immediately obvious answer, we have found that having support from close friends as individuals has also really helped our marriage. It can be tempting to turn to one’s spouse as your only source of companionship, but we think that maintaining friendships as individuals has helped us to grow and maintain a self identity. In the end, this has made our marriage together even better.  

What is most rewarding about being married? Share some of the blessings you have received. How have they brought you together?

Having space where we can both be fully known, and knowing that we are still fully loved is one of the greatest gifts of marriage. It allows us both to drop any pretenses and be entirely ourselves. We both believe this is how God sees us as individuals, so getting to live that out in our marriage is really powerful.

What is most difficult about being married? How did these times affect your relationship with God and with each other?

As great as it is to be fully known by someone, it’s also difficult and terrifying. Some of our harder days have come from trying to hide our faults or insecurities from the other. But when we try to hide a part of ourselves from each other, it often leads us to also hide it from God. This just further compounds the problem. In the end, we’ve found that the pain of vulnerability has always been far surpassed by the joy of experiencing  healing and strength in our relationship.

What are some of the things you do to keep your relationship growing?

We have found that praying together each night and engaging in weekly devotionals together has by far been the biggest thing that enables us to understand each other’s hearts and to see what God is doing in the other person's life. Once we see what God is doing, we can then come alongside each other and join in the awesome work. This grows our bond together and ultimately helps our relationship grow too.

How do you have fun together?

We had some mutual interests that drew us together initially. Over time, we’ve developed more interests and hobbies as a couple. We love to go on hikes, play games, try new recipes, share books, and hang out with friends together.

What are you most excited about in your marriage in this season?

We’re excited to continue forming our identity as leaders together and to see how God will use us as we take on leading a missional community as a couple.

Thank you Amy and Xander for sharing with us today! We are grateful for your presence in our community and in our lives. I hope that you were encouraged by what they had to share with us this week!